The $50 Conversation

I kindly invite you all to read the following story. One of my good friends asked me if I could share this on my blog. After reading it, I was pleased to do so. It is something that I suggest you read, because I am confident you will get something out of it. Enjoy, and thank you for you time. 

The Titanic had twenty watertight containers. In the case of a collision or break in the hull, the ship could still float so long as no more than four of the containers filled with water. At this point, 100 years later, we all know it sank and took many innocents with it.

I was born 80 years to the day of the anniversary of Titanic’s demise, and right now, I feel like the ship herself. If I could divide my life into twenty important sections—family, friends, relationship, school, and so on—I’d have seven or eight of the compartments full by now. The only reason I’m still (metaphorically) breathing is because I’m a (metaphorical and literal) great swimmer who hopes help is on the way.

My home life has never been good, but I was able to escape it by going to a private college in another state. I even got an internship out of state, and I’m living in my apartment where I’ll spend the next two years of my life. But I have since learned that escape from a family is never forever. I’ve been stuck in its rip tide lately, especially financially, and with all the fighting between my parents, the emotional abuse I’ve endured for years, and the constant struggle to define my own person, it’s been a nightmare for me. College is getting harder, and my grades are not where they should be. I slipped into a shadow of my former self because of all the pressure I was under. I found temporary refuge in my friends, but I hardly see them anymore because my unfulfilling, boring internship keeps me away from my apartment for 12 hours a day. The strain was too much for the most cherished relationship I’ve ever had, that between my best friend/boyfriend and me. He’s everything that I simultaneously think I am but do not project to the world: quietly confident, strong, principled, diligent. He is someone I want to have in my life because I am so curious to know what he’ll do in the future, and I want to be there to support him.

He, unfortunately, decided that he is more comfortable on his own, effectively breaking my heart. He was my rock throughout my first relationship, which ended when the first one cheated on me, and he was someone I cared for long before we started dating. I noticed he was pulling away from me, but I chalked it up to a death in his family and the lack of time we spent with each other because of our jobs. I didn’t think he would give up on me. I honestly don’t blame him for how he feels, but under that logic I can’t blame myself for feeling miserable. He wants to go back to being close friends; I can’t even look at him without holding back tears.

Last week was the first week I had work after the breakup, and my boss noticed that there was something disturbing me. I may be only an intern, but usually I was fast with turn-around and always delivered top quality work. Last week, and these are his words, I “was dragging.” I don’t deny this. So he came to my office this morning to talk to me about a project, and after we moved to his office, we talked about scheduling and documentation for about a half hour and made some progress. He, the perspicacious former Naval officer that he is, thought I needed another push for help. He was right; I was still waiting for my Carpathia to come save me.

It’s one thing to seek comfort in your friends, but the words always rang as empty as a bell in my head. “It’s going to be fine,” they said. “You’ll figure it out.” Yes, I know I’ll figure it out eventually, but where should I begin? Where should I point? How do you know so much more than I do when you’re the same age? I never saw myself as a good reference for my life decisions. Aside from which college I attend, all the major decisions were made by my parents. They raised me a Catholic, and I honored my mother and father with obedience and respect. Even at school, I questioned silently because I was afraid of their reactions to the question, not the answer. I was always in search of an answer or a reason to break away.

My boss didn’t know my parents’ relationship with me. He didn’t know about my break-up, or my family’s financial problems, or anything outside of my work. It was enough for him to connect with me. To hear the words of comfort from a practical stranger’s mouth, from someone who is similar to me in work ethic and attitude, from someone who defied his family in pursuit of his dreams as I must do.

It’s hard to write down the details of the conversation, as it involves other people and stories I am not going to tell, but I left feeling much lighter than I did going in. As I mentioned, he’s a retired Naval officer who now works for a major company as a director. He has been married and faithful to one woman for 32 years. He has two sons who are grown, and has a total of seven grandchildren. He makes jokes, takes vacations, and lives in the moment. He and his sons are the only successful ones in his family, where few finished high school. He has seen his mother suffer as no woman should ever have to and has been shocked by his father and his antics. The strength this man has is astounding.

If this sounds like someone you want to be, keep this list close at hand:

1. Do not take no for an answer if it’s what you want.

2. Follow your dreams all the way to the end, before you wonder what you lost by rationalizing yourself out of following them.

3. It’s not your fault if someone else has lost control of his life. Do not blame yourself.

4. There are some bad situations that are unavoidable.

5. The money you earn is YOUR money. Don’t let someone coerce you into giving it away if that’s not what you want.

6. Understanding comes with distance and age.

7. Be better at what you do than anyone else.

8. Push yourself.

9. Faith keeps you strong and helps you understand people more. And if faith isn’t your thing, compassion is always welcomed, trust is always treasured.

10. Choose to spend your life with someone who doesn’t detract from your dream.

11. Work is always going to be there.

12. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

13. If you love him or her and he or she loves you, it’s good enough.

14. If it doesn’t work out, take the time to grieve. It’s normal.

15. Expect and strive for perfection, but only because it will push you harder.

16. Any work done is better than nothing (but do the work you’re assigned and paid to do).

17. Document everything.

18. Sarcasm is a legitimate language. Use it or lose it.

19. Do not equate contentedness with laziness.

20. Pass on what you know.

Walking out of the office, I was surprised to learn the conversation had lasted two hours. That was two hours of work time spent not working, amounting to about $50 worth of productivity lost. I let it go because my first duty is to myself. He delivered the best argument for living in the moment that I’ve ever heard in those hours. To live is to fight for more than what you were given, to be loved, and to make peace with yourself and your identity.

I’m jumping off the ship I know is bound to crash at home. I’ll pull anyone I can into my lifeboat, but it is my lifeboat, and dammit, I am the Captain. I will learn to trust my best friend/ex-boyfriend again because he’s worth it. Above all, I’ll become the paleontologist that I always thought was too unreasonable to be because it makes me happy. Icebergs? I’ll melt them. Just watch me rise above my circumstances and critics, as a phoenix from the ashes.